Summer Motivation

It's been a while since I've posted but not for any good reason. I need to get better at it because it is good therapy. Still trying to stay motivated with eating right and exercising, mostly the exercising. And motivation isn't so much the issue, I have plenty of that, it's more making time for it and actually doing it! With summer coming, I have lots of motivation staring me down, least of which is summer itself. I can't say that I wore one pair of shorts last summer and even possibly the summer before that. It could have been 100 freakin' degrees and I wasn't showing these legs for nothing. I'm shooting to change that this summer. Now, with the time that is remaining before hot weather, I'm fully aware that I will not be at my "goal weight" but I would like to be comfortable in shorts that I don't feel like I pryed myself into or give me that upside-down muffin top effect that make my thighs rub together. Lovely picture isn't it?

Additional motiviation... July is my husband's 20 year high school class reunion, August is both my brother-in-laws wedding and a girls weekend, September is my birthday in which every year for the past 7 years I've swore I would be thinner than the year before. I'm working to make this the first year that will actually happen. And late September, early October my hubby and I are planning to have a big shin-dig to have our friends come party with us out in the country and it may be a little vain but the hostess would like to be smokin!

Good or bad, those are current motivations. Now to self "Get Your Ass On That Treadmill!!!"

Better Today

30 good, sweaty minutes on the treadmill this afternoon and I feel 100x better today. I HAVE to make just 30 minutes a priority because I can't believe how much better I feel physically and mentally. Yea!

Uncle!

Today I'm saying "Uncle!". Not sure what I'm gonna feel like tomorrow but yesterday and today I hit my emotional wall. You'll notice I haven't posted in a while. I couldn't bring myself to type another struggling email. But I need to get it out and saying and hearing these words outloud are just too much right now. I feel like I'm teetering on a thin line into depression. Augh.. just typing them makes me think to myself "Quit your @#$! whining!!" ... if you haven't already guessed, I have terrible self-talk.

I feel like it started a couple days ago when my @#$! MP3 player I got from Wal-Mart started screwing up although I'm sure it started much earlier and this is just the experience that started me cracking. Well, come to find out, all the great workout music I downloaded with my first "free" month of Rhapsody was only good for that month and I need to now pay for a membership for any more music or even for they music I already downloaded to be any good. WTF!?!? I'm wanted to call someone and bitch but who? Walmart? Sanso (the MP3 Mfgr.)?

I'm going back to work in 3 days. I have mixed feelings about it. I feel like I'm ready to get out a bit but I am soooo unhappy with myself, it overshadows everything else. I feel like a complete failure. Shall I list the ways? Well, the big one is my physical being which is affecting everything else. I think I could get a handle on the diet but I am really struggling to fit in exercise and I know I'm not going to get the results I want without moving my body. And I want to move, I really do but I feel like I hit one road block after another. I have a treadmill at home but there's no privacy. If I DO get a chance to get on, it ends up being for 10 min then the baby cries or it's 9 pm at night and everyone is getting ready for bed. Did I mention the treadmill is in our bedroom, so that doesn't work. Which leads me to my next "failure". Our middle son sleeps with us. I could tell you the long story of how that happened because we're not normally the parents to let the kids sleep with us unless their sick but this has become a habit that needs to be broken. I just don't have the heart or the strength to do it right now. But this also leads to my next failure as a wife and my "duties to my husband" if you know what I mean. Kinda hard to "get busy" with a 2 yr old in between us.

It's a slippery slope. I know I need the exercise for my body as well as my mind but ultimately I need to learn (and be okay with) making myself a priority. I feel guilty just thinking about going somewhere to work out. There are so many other things that need done. Oh yea, and my milk is drying up. Baby is 5 months old, I wasn't ready to stop nursing so I need to get pumping but I'm just not making it like I use too. Yet another failure. Augh!

Today I just want to cry. So I do.

One Month and Counting...

First I will get last weeks "weigh in Wednesday" results out of the way. I was up 2 lbs. because of course I used Lent as an excuse to indulge all week. Not a good excuse but an honest one. I have to get a hold of allowing myself a little bit of my favorites otherwise I would go completely crazy and eat 1/2 gallon of ice cream at one sitting. It's a total control issue of which I often feel I have none. Control. I tell myself "There have been Oreos for a gazillion freakin years, why on earth would they all of a sudden stop making Oreos? There's no need to eat the whole package. No one will take them and even if they did... they make more." There is a psychological issue with all of this I know but heck if I know how to get it all figured out. I'll get there. I have too. I can't fail... again.

The "one month and counting" is the count down for me returning to work after my maternity leave ends. Another reason to kick it into panic mode as I fit into few to none of my pre-baby work clothes. I donated all my maternity clothes to get myself motivated not to rely on them. I'm not pregnant, I should not be wearing maternity clothes. Good thought in theory the time to of elastic waist pants and fuzzy slippers is coming to an end and I need to get it into gear... high gear.

60 lbs total lost is my ultimate goal... I need 10 lbs gone this month to be comfortable in my "big girl clothes". Stay tuned...

FAT Tuesday ... It's Like a Blank Check

Tomorrow is "Fat Tuesday", the day before Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. Now I'm not Catholic, but I've participated in the practice of giving up something I enjoy very much during the Lenton season for a number of years because I think it's a good exercise in sacrifice. It has shown me that I am capable of saying no to the cookies and ice cream (two of my larger vices and what I'll be "giving up" this year). I guess it's easier when you're doing it for God as opposed to yourself. I'm less likey to cheat him than myself. But I wonder, do people (not just me) look at Fat Tuesday like a blank check? "I'm giving up cookies and ice cream so on Tuesday I eat a whole freakin' package of Oreos and a 1/2 gallon of chocolate and peanut butter ice cream"... I can't be the only one who has that thought cross my mind. So in all honesty, I intend to eat both a couple cookies and a little ice cream but I will keep it under control... I promise.

My husband and I are both desperate to get into some kind of shape before the weather becomes warm enough to wear shorts and tank tops. Our goals are realistic but serious effort still needs to be applied so we are using this Lent to help kick-start the beginnings of a completely healthier lifestyle. That being said, for us, it's not all about "giving up" things we love. I've also included the practice of adding something good and this year it is a vow to have a vegetable at every dinner no matter what. That may not sound like a big deal but in a house where dinner is usually meat and potatoes or a simple starchy carb-fest, adding a veggie to each meal is a big step and one that I intend to make a good habit.

In the meantime, look forward to reading some interesting posts during Lent as I will not have my comfort food for emotional control (lol).

Weigh In Wednesday 2 ... a couple days late

I'm posting this on Friday but these were the numbers on our weekly Wednesday weigh-in. I was up .5 lbs. which I actually considered a small success considering I had family in town for the weekend and the menu when that happens is usually far from healthy. This should not be an excuse. I'm responsible for what I put in my mouth. The Weight Watchers points counting is not going so well. I'm not giving up on it but sometimes I feel like I'm floundering in a sea of weight loss plans, solutions, advice, etc. etc. Which one is the life preserver? That's the one I need, the one that is going to help me save my life but which one is it?

I'm feeling somewhate motivated today (at least more than recent days) so I need to embrace it and focus on that. However, I did do a search online for a Rx weight loss pill I was given many many years ago. I mentioned it in an earlier post and let me tell you, it curbed my appetite great but made me a bit jittery. I could handle that I suppose if i were seeing big results but right now I am nursing my precious baby boy and as badly as I want to lose weight, it's not at the expense of hurting him in any way. I'm ashamed to admit it but for a BRIEF moment, I actually even considered being done nursing just so I could try the Rx again. I quickly put that thought out of my mind.

I wonder if others have all of this up and down conflict and self talk with themselves? Sometimes I think "the hell with is, just be fat". Why can't I be one of those super-motiviated-nothing can stop me-once I set my mind to it-people? And as I type this, my mental talk to myself is "SHUT UP, QUIT WHINING and JUST DO IT ALREADY!!"

On a different note... stay tuned for "What are we giving up for Lent?" and "The Scale". These will be good ones as I can be as wishy washy about what to give up as I can about the diet life preserver. And the scale... that's an animal all it's own.

The Night Time is the Right Time

Why is it soooo much easier to get pumped up and gung ho about exercise and eating right at the very end of the day? The thought of a new day, a new slate, everything is fresh and you have yet to completely screw it up. I think that's my thought process anyway. At the end of each day I seem to find renewed hope in the success of tomorrow. That enthusiasm is rarely as strong when I wake up in the morning wishing I had Chocolate Pop-Tarts in the cabinet but I know better than to buy them.. well, not always but I'm getting much much better with keeping the "evil" out of my house.

My goal now is to keep that attitude throughout the day and tell myself "I CAN do this!" and "I deserve to be strong and healthy!" Taking care of myself is a gift to my family, not selfishness. I think I've just discovered my new mantra.

Weigh-In Wednesday

My official weigh-in days are Wednesdays. I have wonderful support on this journey from a couple friends, one who happens to be my cousin. They live in a different state as me but we keep in touch and encourage eachother via email. We all give our weigh-in results on Wednesdays. This week I was down 2 lbs. to 194.5 -- Yea!! It felt so good. Just that little bit can be so encouraging and I think what did it for me was cutting out the eating after 8 p.m. That was a hard one for me because I love to have that snack right before bed. It was usually a bowl of cereal. This week I settled for a small glass of milk. I'm proud of myself for that one, it's not easy still.

Today is a pretty rough day for eating. I'm paying attention to my feelings and mood when I want to eat and I'm finding that my biggest struggle is when I'm tired. Today I am exhausted and find myself constantly wanting to put food in my mouth. I need to figure this one out... and I will.

Thank you and Love to R and E, my friends in IN for keeping spirits up and keep on pushing. Also thanks and love to S and L from weightlosswars.com for always sending words of encouragement. All of you ladies ROCK!!! XOXOXO

Jack of All Diets, Master of None

Woke up again this morning with terrible aching feet as soon as I stood up out of bed. I HAVE to do SOMETHING! Gosh, what's it going to take to kick my butt into gear?! I was thinking of all thing different diets, fads, programs, etc. that tried. Tried isn't even the right word. Many things were purchased and never even attempted. Guess you could call those "The Money Burning Weight Loss Programs".

Let's see, over the past 10 years there's been diet pills (prescription and otc, Alli, Hydroxycut, etc.), Michael Thurman's 6-week Body Makeover, Weight Watchers, The Biggest Loser online, Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solution, You On A Diet, and my own version of what I think is the right thing to do. Each of these have their good points and bad points. The Rx pills worked as great appetite control but made me crazy jittery and that freaked me out. I bought the OTC pills and never took a one, wish I had that money back. The 6-Week Body Makeover seems like a great idea and 6 weeks doesn't seem that long but it's pretty strict especially if you're a carb junkie like me... 6 weeks is forever then if you're not ready to change your habits, what's the point?

Ultimately what needs to happen when using any of these programs is you actually have to DO what they say. Much to my dismay, just buying the book, program or CD doesn't peel the weight off, go figure. Now the BUT... but I'm someone who needs some kind of guidelines. I wish I were strong enough to just do it on my own and I hope that will happen one day but until that time comes, until I have some significant success, I need a plan, a list of do's and don'ts. So I'm going back to the one plan that has been most successful for me. Weight Watchers.

Luckily I have all my materials left from my last stint of WW at work. At least this program gives you the flexibility to have your favorites, it's just a matter of choice. Now, I just need to stick to it. I have a history of starting a plan and falling hard off the wagon. I just want to be successful. I want to be proud of myself. I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be passionate about it. Until next time... healthy choices, healthy choices, healthy choices. And lots and lots of water!!

My Aching Feet & Those Damn Cookies!

I woke up this morning like every morning, not wanting to get out of bed. Not because I was still tired. I'm a mother of 3 young boys, I'm always tired. I didn't want to get out of bed because I know what awaits me. Pains shooting through my feet as soon as they hit the floor and I put the weight of my body on them. I ask myself "When did my body go to pot?" I mean, I've hovered around this weight (up and down 10 lbs or so) for the last 5 years and don't remember aches and pains like this. Dare I say it ... When did I become old? Is 36 the majic number for me?

HELL NO! I'm fighting this one all the way!!

And as for those damn cookies... A popular grocery store around here makes these oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that I LOVE!! Just like a junkie needs to stay away from drugs and the areas where the dealers sell them, I really need to keep my butt out of this store. Like yesterday, I went there for lots of other things but you know I didn't leave without a container of those cookies from the bakery. Eventhough it was a small container and not the jumbo size, I need to steer clear of the entire area. This one for me is definitely "you can't eat just one". No portion control here... sign must say STRICTLY PROHIBITED!

Put a Cork In It!

Of course if you don't have a cork, a brownie (or two or three) does quite nicely. I'm not to the point of evaluating my past, finding long lost reasons why I'm overweight, etc. etc. but I can tell you that I'm an emotional eater. Happy, Sad, Depressed, Bored, Angry, you name the emotion, I'll eat because of it.

Case in point. Last night I was very upset with my husband for reasons I won't go into but lets just say it was justified. My hard and fast reaction was to go shove my mouth with something chocolately, fattening and yummy. And I did. I don't like to yell and argue around the kids so if I can't get my frustration out, I need something to hold it all in. A Duncan Hines Milk Chocolate Brownie with extra chocolate syrup mixed in and finished off with powdered sugar was my cork. And I'm not talking a 1/2 inch square serving, I'm talking a REAL serving size brownie, like most people eat. I could have eaten half the freakin pan, but I didn't. Therein lies my success I suppose.

I almost posted to my "therapy blog" last night but I was afraid of what I'd type in the heat of the moment. Good thing I'm not a grudge holder. Don't worry, I'm not done having a "discussion" with my husband but the feeling of needed to cork my emotions has subsided today. Thank you Lord!

Getting Started

Well, here we are, my first blog post. Where do I being? I thought of creating a blog as a form of "journaling" my seemingly forever and constant battle with my weight. Would putting my story on the internet, possibly with pictures even (I took the pictures, now I need to be brave enough to post them) be just the kick in the ass I need to get myself on the path to optimum health?

Right now I'd be happy with 5 lbs. nevermind "optimum health". .... augh, I'm trying not to think about typing my "stats" but I decided I was going to be brutally honest on this blog. Holding back on the first post is not the way to brutally honest so here goes. I am 36 years old, Mom of 3 gorgeous little boys and wife to a wonderful man who seems to love and desire me no matter what my weight. I don't understand that one but God Bless him for it. And weight, oh yea. I'm 5'3" and as of this morning, the scale in my bathroom was reading 196.5 lbs. (I'll have a whole post on my relationship with that scale very soon).

There it is. The basics. There is so much more to tell and I look forward to getting out of my system and onto this blog, but in the meantime, the baby is crying and it's Mommy to the rescue!