Sunday, March 29, 2009


Today I'm saying "Uncle!". Not sure what I'm gonna feel like tomorrow but yesterday and today I hit my emotional wall. You'll notice I haven't posted in a while. I couldn't bring myself to type another struggling email. But I need to get it out and saying and hearing these words outloud are just too much right now. I feel like I'm teetering on a thin line into depression. Augh.. just typing them makes me think to myself "Quit your @#$! whining!!" ... if you haven't already guessed, I have terrible self-talk.

I feel like it started a couple days ago when my @#$! MP3 player I got from Wal-Mart started screwing up although I'm sure it started much earlier and this is just the experience that started me cracking. Well, come to find out, all the great workout music I downloaded with my first "free" month of Rhapsody was only good for that month and I need to now pay for a membership for any more music or even for they music I already downloaded to be any good. WTF!?!? I'm wanted to call someone and bitch but who? Walmart? Sanso (the MP3 Mfgr.)?

I'm going back to work in 3 days. I have mixed feelings about it. I feel like I'm ready to get out a bit but I am soooo unhappy with myself, it overshadows everything else. I feel like a complete failure. Shall I list the ways? Well, the big one is my physical being which is affecting everything else. I think I could get a handle on the diet but I am really struggling to fit in exercise and I know I'm not going to get the results I want without moving my body. And I want to move, I really do but I feel like I hit one road block after another. I have a treadmill at home but there's no privacy. If I DO get a chance to get on, it ends up being for 10 min then the baby cries or it's 9 pm at night and everyone is getting ready for bed. Did I mention the treadmill is in our bedroom, so that doesn't work. Which leads me to my next "failure". Our middle son sleeps with us. I could tell you the long story of how that happened because we're not normally the parents to let the kids sleep with us unless their sick but this has become a habit that needs to be broken. I just don't have the heart or the strength to do it right now. But this also leads to my next failure as a wife and my "duties to my husband" if you know what I mean. Kinda hard to "get busy" with a 2 yr old in between us.

It's a slippery slope. I know I need the exercise for my body as well as my mind but ultimately I need to learn (and be okay with) making myself a priority. I feel guilty just thinking about going somewhere to work out. There are so many other things that need done. Oh yea, and my milk is drying up. Baby is 5 months old, I wasn't ready to stop nursing so I need to get pumping but I'm just not making it like I use too. Yet another failure. Augh!

Today I just want to cry. So I do.

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